He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
