She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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