Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
