in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
