If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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