Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
