dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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