Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I smell like Dick and happiness
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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