JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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