My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
