already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
