get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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