ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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