he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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