Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
