On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize