Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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