The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Boobs are out for the taking
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
