I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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