I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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