wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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