video games are the ultimate cock blocker
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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