I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
