Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
