too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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