he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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