Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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