this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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