i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
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I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
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Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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