your parents love me but you hate me
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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