She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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