Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
