Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
