i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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