Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
