you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
