Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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