3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
