All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Are we still banned from the library?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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