Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
