So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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