if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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