I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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