I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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