I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won