its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
