when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
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Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?