Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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