im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
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Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.