Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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