Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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