She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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