i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
