If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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