I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
