I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
