I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
