You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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