Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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