its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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