How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Randomize
