I think my vagina is haunted
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
