DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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